What's Left of Me
by letterstoabba
Summary: bella must struggle with her own brokeness before accepting Jacobs love. one shot


Bella stared thoughtfully at the boy sitting on the beach beside her. He was her best friend, Jacob Black. She saw the beautiful russet satin of his skin, saw the chiseled planes of his face that made him look much younger than his 16 years, and saw the hardened muscles of his arms and chest. She saw all this, and her heart ached. How deeply she had come to care for him over the past few months. Yet with all that caring, she would never love him as much as he loved her. She would never love anyone as much as he loved her, because she was _incapable _of loving that much. Something inside her was broken, and nothing Jacob did would ever fix that. And though she knew he'd keep trying until the day he died, she wished he wouldn't. Not because she didn't want t o be fixed, or because she didn't want _him_ but because she knew it was no use, and it pained her to see this amazing guy waste his time on a broken useless piece of junk like her. She honestly didn't know what he saw in her. She knew she didn't fool him when she tried to act normal. He knew exactly how broken she was, yet it didn't seem to matter to him. Which only made her want to love him more, and make her feel more guilty about leading him on. She should leave him, tell him to go and mean it. But she couldn't. She just couldn't. She needed him in her life. Even thinking about living without him made the hole in her heart rip more than ever. She was in too deep to leave now. He was everything to her and she knew she'd keep hurting him until he left her. She'd-"

"Thinking about him again?"

She started at the sound of his voice. "What?"

"You're trying to hold yourself together." He said softly, tugging on the arm she now realized was wrapped around her chest.

Slowly she managed to relax her grip on her heart. "No, not him." She whispered weakly.

Jacob's brow knotted together like he was trying to decipher a difficult puzzle. "Then what?"

She turned away, embarrassed to be caught thinking about her friend. "Nothing" she answered, hoping he'd let it go.

No such luck. "Come on Bells, you can tell me. You know that. What made it hurt this time? Was it something I did?"

Before she could stop it, the words bubbled up, spilling out of her mouth. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm broken, I'm sorry I can't love you the right way, I'm sorry I keep using you. I can't live without you. The thought of a life without you in it makes me sick, you think you can fix me but you can't. I'm unfixable. I want to love you, but I can't. I'm incapable of the kind of love you want and deserve. I'm broken useless. I don't deserve you. The only thing I deserve is for you to tell me to fuck off and leave you alone. I know someday you will, and I know that when you do I will die. But I also know it'll be exactly what I deserve. I mean-"

Suddenly warm arms wrapped around her and she could feel breath on her shoulder. "That's what you're worried about?" he whispered, his voice rough. "You think I'm gonna leave you after I promised you I wouldn't?"

She hesitated, choosing her words carefully. "Not so much that you would, more that you _should._"

She heard a sharp intake of breath and she found his face inches from hers. "Isabella Swan, don't you dare think that you are anyway inferior to anyone because that _Basi_ left. If he had been half as smart as you seem to think he was, he'd have kept you for his own, made you the queen of his life, never left your side, and treasured you like the jewel you are. But he didn't. He left you. And I'm not foolish enough to think that the pain is gonna go away easily. It's gonna take a long time and a lot of work on both our sides. But I'm willing to wait for you to be ready. Because I know that when you're ready, you'll be the most beautiful loving caring girl I'll ever know. As much as you may not believe it yet, you're worth waiting for. You've always been worth waiting for. And you always will be worth waiting for. And if all you can give me now is friendship, I promise to be the best friend I can be. And when you feel like you can give more, I'll take that too. I'm willing to wait but-" he looked hesitant "Do you want to love me?"

"Yes" she answered fervently. "I want to love you. I do love you, as a friend, but I want to love you more. I'm trying, but every time you hold my hand, I think of him and I pull away."

Jacob was thoughtful. "Bella, I know you. You keep thinking about him because you keep trying to think of him." She was about to protest but he held up a hand "The motorcycles, the cliff diving, I'm not sure how, but it's helping you remember him. You don't want to forget him, do you?"

Tears streamed down her face and she nodded, unable to speak at first. "I know it's crazy," she sniffed. "But when I'm in danger, I can hear his voice and it's like he's still here, like he hasn't left." What was happening? Why was she telling him these things? He'd think she was crazy and never speak to her again. She shouldn't have told him. Why did she have to ruin everything She-

Jacob interrupted her berating thoughts "You're not crazy. But don't you see Bella? That voice, it's not real. I'm real. I'm here and I love you. Imagine what we could have together if you just let go of him and gave your heart to me." He held her face gently, silently pleading for her to give him a chance.

'He's right, you know,' a voice in her head whispered. 'Imagine the life you could have with him if you let yourself love Jacob.' And for once, she let herself imagine it. She imagined warm soft kisses and spending every day with him. She imagined him proposing, and her accepting his ring. She imagined their wedding. And she imagined a raven-haired girl jumping onto her lap while a little russet-skinned boy played hide-and-seek with an older Jacob. She smiled wistfully. How she wished this could be the truth. 'Why do you hold onto Edward' the voice asked. 'He left you. Jacob has never left you. He made you feel inferior. Jacob makes you feel like you're his equal. He lied to you. Jacob has never broken his promise. Who is more worthy of your love?' The voice was right. She was holding onto someone who honestly wasn't worth it. Why was she ruining her chance to be with a guy who loved her to pine over a guy who was already gone? Hadn't Edward hurt her enough? And now, even after he'd been gone six months, he was still ruining her life. White hot anger filled her at this realization and she knew what to do. She looked Jacob in the eye and said clearly, "I love you too." Reaching out, she pulled his head closer, until her lips were on his in a hesitant careful kiss. For a second, he was frozen in shock, but soon he was moving his lips against hers.

When he pulled away, he looked slightly dazed. "W-What was that?"

She kissed him again lightly. "I realized how much you've done and how little he did. I choose you, Jacob. Whatever broken pieces you can find, they're your's. You can have what's left of me."

Jacob searched her face for any uncertainty. When he found none, he pulled her into his warm embrace, showering her face with kisses, and for the first time in a while, she felt whole.


End file.
